Is Your Purpose Killing You? How Nurturers May Be Mistaking Self Sacrifice for Filling Their Cup

I had coffee with a friend recently. She is genuinely one of the kindest humans I know. For almost a decade she has been the “work mom” on her team. She is the one who notices what everyone needs before they say it, who smooths things over when people behave like toddlers, who has weeks of PTO left over each year because she's covering for everyone else who's on vacation, and who quietly rebuilds the good systems that others keep breaking.

She told me all of this with a little sigh, like it was no big deal, but her eyes looked exhausted. Then came the tears, because it has become so costly to her mental health, her physical health, and her longevity. 

For years she has been the one who stays late, fixes everyone else’s mistakes, remembers every birthday, organizes the team events, mentors the new people, and absorbs the emotional fallout when leadership makes another bad decision.

And then she goes home and does a second shift. She is the default parent, the one who knows the shoe sizes, the school calendar, which kid likes which cup, and how to log into the pediatrician portal.

When I finally asked why she had stayed in that role for so long, she said something I hear over and over from moms and nurturing professionals:

“This is my purpose. I’m a nurturing person.”

This piece is for her. And it is for you, if some part of you believes that your purpose is to hold everything together while you slowly come undone.

This is the Community and Purpose anchor of the 30 percent Formula. It is where we get honest about the stories we carry about why we are here, who we are supposed to take care of, and whether there is any room in that story for us.

And we ask a hard question with a lot of tenderness:

Is your purpose quietly killing you?

When “purpose” becomes self erasure

Many moms, doctors, nurses, teachers, therapists, and other caring humans grew up with an unwritten rule:

A good person is someone who puts everyone else first.

Psychologists actually have a term for the extreme version of this pattern. They call it unmitigated communion. It describes people who are intensely focused on caring for others and almost entirely neglect their own needs, to the point that their sense of worth depends on being needed and being “the reliable one.” [1,2] 

In studies, people who score high on unmitigated communion tend to:

• Take responsibility for everyone’s feelings and problems
• Feel guilty if they are not constantly helping
• Struggle to say what they need
• Base their self esteem on how useful they are to others [1]

Over time this pattern is strongly linked to:

• Higher levels of depression and anxiety
• Greater psychological distress
• Worse physical health, including poorer control of chronic illness [1,2]

In simple language, when your “purpose” is to keep everyone else comfortable, your nervous system never gets to rest. You are always scanning for who needs what, bracing for the next problem, and putting your own body’s alarms on mute.

This is where purpose can start to harm the very people it is meant to serve. A depleted caregiver is more likely to be irritable, forgetful, and disconnected from joy. The system still gets held together, but the person holding it is slowly unraveling.

The invisible load of being “the strong one”

If you are a mom or a nurturing professional, you probably recognize the mental load. It is the background processing power that keeps track of everything: lunch boxes, deadlines, dentist appointments, birthday gifts, that one student who seemed off today, the aging parent’s new medication.

Research on maternal mental load shows that women often carry a disproportionate share of the planning, monitoring, and emotional labor in families and workplaces. This invisible work is strongly tied to feelings of overload, exhaustion, and resentment. [3,4] 

In employed caregivers, studies have found that juggling paid work with high caregiving demands leads to family role overload. People in this situation report more stress, more conflict spilling over into work, and more negative changes in health behaviors. [5]

Yet many of these same people describe their caregiving and service as “my purpose.” They are not imagining the meaningful parts. Caring for others can absolutely deepen a sense of meaning. A recent study of family caregivers of people with mental health challenges found that having a stronger sense of purpose actually buffered some of the stress of caregiving and loneliness. [6] 

So what is going on here?

How can purpose both protect us and burn us out?

The difference between healthy purpose and martyrdom

Psychologists who study purpose in life describe it as a central organizing life aim. It is a sense that your life has direction, that what you do matters, and that your daily actions are connected to something you value deeply. [7] 

When purpose is held in a healthy way, it is one of the most protective psychological resources we know.

Studies show that people with a stronger sense of purpose:

• Have lower mortality risk across adulthood, even after accounting for health behaviors and other factors [8,9]
• Report better physical health and fewer chronic disease outcomes in meta analyses of meaning and health [10]
• Experience lower levels of psychological distress, including depression and anxiety [11]
• Are more likely to engage in protective health behaviors, such as exercise and preventive care [12]

In other words, true purpose tends to make you more alive, not less.

Martyrdom looks different. It sounds like purpose, but it quietly rewrites the definition:

• Purpose becomes “I am only valuable when I am useful.”
• Service becomes “It is my job to absorb everyone’s discomfort.”
• Commitment becomes “I do not get to have limits because people need me.”

This is unmitigated communion again, translated into everyday language. The research is clear that when concern for others is not balanced with concern for self, distress goes up rather than down. Overinvolvement with others and neglect of self fully explain why this pattern is linked to worse mental health. [1] 

Healthy purpose includes at least three elements:

1. You still exist in the story. Your needs, health, and joy matter alongside the people you serve.
2. Your values, not others’ expectations, are in the driver’s seat.
3. Your body is not a disposable tool in service of a mission. Your nervous system and relationships count as part of the “impact.”

If your version of purpose erases these elements, it is not noble. It is unsustainable.

How very kind people get trapped

If you are reading this, there is a good chance you are one of the “very kind people” of the world. Here are some of the quiet beliefs that often hook us. See which ones land in your body.

• “If I do not do it, it will not get done right.”
• “Other people have it harder, so I should not complain.”
• “Good moms / doctors / therapists are always available.”
• “Rest is something I earn by being productive and helpful.”
• “If I say no, I am letting people down.”

From a research perspective, these beliefs overlap with externalized self evaluation. That means basing your worth on how others see you and what you do for them. People high in unmitigated communion often evaluate themselves mainly through others’ opinions and feel intense guilt when they cannot meet those expectations. [1,2]  

At the same time, modern culture still praises moms and nurturing professionals for being “selfless,” “always there,” and “the rock.” The Surgeon General has even called out parenting stress as a public health concern, noting that parents report higher stress and loneliness than other adults, yet often feel they must keep pushing through. [13] 

So the system rewards you for the very pattern that burns you out.

You get positive feedback, promotions, thank you emails, and “I do not know what we would do without you.” Meanwhile your sleep, relationships, and inner life silently pay the price.

Redefining purpose for caregivers and nurturers

For the Community and Purpose anchor of the 30% Formula, here is a working definition that fits both the science and your lived experience:

Purpose is the way your values, strengths, and communities meet, in a form that sustains your life instead of draining it.

Let us break that down.

• Values. What actually matters to you, not what you were told “should” matter. Maybe it is justice, creativity, connection, curiosity, stewardship, play.
• Strengths. The things you bring that feel like you, from clinical skill to deep listening, effective communications, humor, strategic thinking, or calm in a crisis.
• Communities. The people and places where those values and strengths are needed. Your kids, your patients, your classroom, your neighborhood, your professional community.
• Sustains your life. This is the part we are reclaiming. Purpose that slowly destroys your health and relationships is not purpose. It is an unsustainable role.

The research on meaning and health supports this reframing. Having a sense of meaning in life is consistently linked with better physical health and fewer mental health problems across many kinds of people. [10,11,14] 

The goal is not to become less caring. It is to become more honest about what caring requires.

A simple check in: is your purpose harming you?

Here are a few gentle questions you can use as a quick scan. You might even journal on them.

1. Energy pattern After a typical week of “living your purpose,” do you feel more grounded and alive, or more hollow and wired tired?
2. Body signals How much physical distress do you feel when you absorb the distress of others? Many empathic nurturers carry other people’s worry and pain almost by osmosis. Has your version of purpose pushed you to overlook your own chronic signals like headaches, gastrointestinal issues, insomnia, weight changes, or that persistent tightness in your chest for months or even years?
3. Relationships Are the people closest to you getting your leftovers? Do you feel more patient with your patients or clients than with your own family or yourself?
4. Room for your humanity Can you step back, set a boundary, or even change your mind about your work without feeling like you no longer have worth? Are you subconsciously mixing what fills your cup with what you think your over-giving will accomplish for others? That is the quiet doorway into martyrdom, and many nurturers walk through it without noticing.
5. Replaceability story When you imagine leaving or changing roles, does your mind tell you “Everything will collapse” or “They will hate me” more loudly than “I might finally breathe?”

If your honest answers are painful, that does not mean you have failed. It usually means you have been incredibly faithful to a story that was never meant to be carried alone.

The role of self compassion in reshaping purpose

A powerful body of research suggests that self compassion is one of the best antidotes to caregiver burnout and compassion fatigue. [15,16] 

Self compassion is not self pity and it is not letting yourself off the hook. It is treating yourself with the kind of warmth and realism you would offer a dear friend. Kristin Neff’s work has shown that higher self compassion is linked to lower stress, anxiety, and depression in caregivers, along with more resilience and emotional balance. [15] 

In practice, this might look like:

• Noticing “I am exhausted and on edge, and that makes sense given what I am holding.”
• Reminding yourself “Other parents, nurses, therapists, and teachers feel this too. I am not uniquely failing. I am human.”
• Asking “What is one small thing I could offer myself right now that would be kind and doable?”

Self compassion does not magically shrink your workload. But it changes the inner weather in which you carry it. That shift matters. Studies suggest that people who feel more meaning and who use compassionate coping are less overwhelmed by stress and loneliness. [12,17,18] 

Community and Purpose in the 30% Formula

Within the 30% Formula, Community and Purpose is one of the anchors that keeps your life from drifting into “survival autopilot.” It connects deeply with the other pillars you are building.

Community and Purpose is not about having one perfect calling or quitting your job to save the world. It is about aligning your daily energy with what matters in a way that leaves you alive enough to enjoy the people you love.

For many moms and nurturers, this begins with a quiet permission slip.

“I am allowed to be part of the community I care for, not only its unpaid infrastructure.”

Gentle steps to reclaim purpose without abandoning people

You do not have to blow up your life to start shifting from martyrdom to meaningful, sustainable purpose. Here are some realistic starting points.

1. Name your real values

Set a five minute timer and write: “What I actually care about is…”

Keep your pen moving. Let yourself list things like “being present with my kids,” “teaching with integrity,” “advocating for patients,” “having a body that does not hurt all the time.”

Then circle three values that feel most alive. These become guideposts.

2. Notice where your calendar betrays your values

Look at the last two weeks. Where did your time and energy go. Which blocks felt aligned with those circled values, and which felt like pure obligation or image management.

You are not judging yourself. You are collecting data.

3. Run a tiny experiment in boundary setting

Choose one small place where you can shift from “automatic yes” to “thoughtful maybe.” For example:

• Allow an email to wait 24 hours instead of answering at 10 pm.
• Say “I need to check my bandwidth first” when asked to take on extra emotional labor at work.
• Ask your partner or a friend to take one recurring task off your plate for a month.

Research on caregivers shows that having more control at home and more support can soften the impact of role overload. [5] 

4. Add one act of self respect to your daily routine

Not self care as in “spa night,” but self respect. One small action that tells your body “I am not a machine.”

• Eating a real lunch away from your computer
• Taking a ten minute walk after a hard conversation
• Going to bed thirty minutes earlier twice per week

These micro shifts matter because meaning and health are built from repeated signals, not from one big decision. [10,11]

Bringing it home

If you are a mom, a clinician, a teacher, or any kind of professional caregiver, your instinct to serve is beautiful. The world desperately needs people who care as deeply as you do.

But your nervous system, your kids, and your future self also need you to stay here, not just in body but in spirit.

The research is clear. A grounded sense of purpose protects health and well being. [8,9,10,11] An unbalanced form of self sacrifice, where your worth depends entirely on being useful to others, does the opposite. [1,2] 

So here is the invitation for your Community and Purpose anchor:

• Let your purpose include you.
• Let your community be a place where you belong, not a machine you secretly power alone.
• Let your caring be both generous and boundaried, so it can last.

Your life is not a resource your purpose is allowed to burn through.

Your life is the soil from which your purpose grows.

References

1. Fritz, H. L., & Helgeson, V. S. (1998). Distinctions of unmitigated communion from communion: Self neglect and overinvolvement with others. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75(1), 121–140. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/9686454/ (Europe PMC)
2. Helgeson, V. S., & Fritz, H. L. (1998). A theory of unmitigated communion. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 2(3), 173–183. https://europepmc.org/article/MED/15647153 (Europe PMC)
3. Kaye, A. M. (2024). Mental load: The invisible weight of parenthood. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-compassionate-brain/202412/mental-load-the-invisible-weight-of-parenthood (Psychology Today)
4. Nurture Therapy. (2024). Maternal mental overload: Understanding and navigating the invisible burden. https://www.nurture-therapy.com/blog/maternal-mental-load-understanding-amp-navigating-this-invisible-burden (Nurture Therapy)
5. Halinski, M., Duxbury, L., & Stevenson, M. (2020). Employed caregivers’ response to family role overload: The role of control at home and caregiver type. Journal of Business and Psychology, 35(1), 99–115. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10869-019-09617-y (SpringerLink)
6. Choi, E., Lee, M., & Park, S. (2024). Purpose in life moderates the relationship between loneliness and caregiving stress among family caregivers of people with mental health problems. Aging & Mental Health, 49, 99–105. https://www.unboundmedicine.com/medline/citation/38734461 (Unbound Medicine)
7. Schaefer, S. M., & Morozink Boylan, J. (2023). Purpose in life and stress: An individual participant meta analysis of associations and moderators. Journal of Affective Disorders, 335, 32–40. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0165032723013459 (ScienceDirect)
8. Hill, P. L., & Turiano, N. A. (2014). Purpose in life as a predictor of mortality across adulthood. Psychological Science, 25(7), 1482–1486. https://europepmc.org/articles/PMC4224996/ (Europe PMC)
9. Sone, T., Nakaya, N., Ohmori, K., et al. (2008). Sense of life worth living (ikigai) and mortality in Japan: Ohsaki Study. Journal of Epidemiology, 18(5), 200–207. https://www.jstage.jst.go.jp/article/jea/18/5/18_JE2007388/_article (J-STAGE)
10. Park, C. L., & George, L. S. (2013). Meaning in life and physical health: A systematic review and meta analysis. Health Psychology Review, 7(3), 250–283. https://spiritualitymeaningandhealth.uconn.edu/wp-content/uploads/sites/2598/2019/03/Meaning-in-life-and-physical-health-systematic-review-and-meta-analysis.pdf (spiritualitymeaningandhealth.uconn.edu)
11. Li, J. B., Dou, K., & Liang, Y. (2021). The relationship between presence of meaning, search for meaning, and subjective well being: A meta analysis based on the Meaning in Life Questionnaire. Journal of Happiness Studies, 22(1), 467–489. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10902-020-00230-y (SpringerLink)
12. Kim, E. S., et al. (2021). Purpose in life, loneliness, and protective health behaviors during the COVID 19 pandemic. The Gerontologist, 61(6), 878–887. https://academic.oup.com/gerontologist/article/61/6/878/6298550 (OUP Academic)
13. Murthy, V. H. (2024). Parenting stress is a health issue: Surgeon General’s advisory. U.S. Public Health Service. Summary reported in The Guardian. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/article/2024/aug/28/surgeon-general-parent-health-wellness (The Guardian)
14. Li, M., & Zhang, Y. (2023). Meaning in life and mental health issues in older adults: A meta analysis. Aging and Mental Health. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1462373023000688 (ScienceDirect)
15. Chih, M. H., et al. (2022). Self compassion for burnout and compassion fatigue in caregivers. Journal of Nursing Research, 30(5), e213. https://www.nursingcenter.com/journalarticle?Article_ID=6574200 (NursingCenter)
16. Neff, K. D., & Germer, C. K. (2023). Mindful self compassion for burnout: Caring for the caregiver. Guilford Press. https://www.guilford.com/books/Mindful-Self-Compassion-for-Burnout/Neff-Germer/9781462550227 (Guilford Press)
17. Li, Z., & Xu, Y. (2023). Linking loneliness and meaning in life: Roles of self compassion and interpersonal mindfulness. Mindfulness, 14(3), 512–526. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s41042-023-00094-6 (SpringerLink)
18. Schaefer, S. M., et al. (2024). Purpose in life and stress: Coordinated analysis across multiple cohorts. Journal of Affective Disorders, 355, 101–110. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0165032723013459 (ScienceDirect)